Twitterospective 2012

Grey. The color to dye for.

Donate blood? Was the don a vampire or something?

If you float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, you might get swatted.

Proverbs are the tweets of the older generation

Bangalore is interesting despite all the people who bore well.

Sometimes my dreams come true, other times I am awake.

Avian flew? What's so special about that?

Restaurant dish name idea (in keeping with the current trend) : Squid pro quo

Plants that bark become trees.

'Be a sport'? Ok, I choose boxing.

Life comes a full circle every now and then for a hamster

You know a email service is popular when the email IDs start to look like passwords

I live on the EDGE, except when WiFi or 3G network is available.

The White Elephant in the room is Biting the Silver bullet.

Right to bear arms? That is so cruel to the bears.

How much tense could a present tense present if the present tense could present tense.

Email is Post-pwned

I work 24/7 - which is about 3.42 hours.

Breaking: S&P downgrades all AAA batteries to AA.

The tinted glass is always greener on the other side

Biased - Twice the asshole

A pig back of bacon #Spoonerism

Right to bear arms? That is so cruel to the bears.

Mine is not a pot belly, it is a six-pack in training.

In case of emergency, fake class.

A window programmed in #Java will always remain open. Because it is a-jar.

The contest between the cartoonists ended in a Draw.

I think, therefore I am ... a thinker

Kerala 'strike'rs. Apt name for a Kerala team; don't you think. Glad they didn't go for 'Kerala bandhers'

My 'Twitrospective' 2011

My 'Twitterospective' 2011:

My salary is like Microsoft's revenue. Most of it is used for paying 'Bill'.
Whenever I go to play billiards, there is always a long cue! #PunIntended
Newspaper: Swine Flu in Mexico. Me: Yeah! and Pigs Fly #punintended

Oxen are smart by default. Because a dim-witted Ox would be a #OxyMoron.
Count down to #newyear on new year's eve is New year eve-teaser?
Deter-Gents. Now you know why men don't like washing.
#SpottedInfrontOfaHotel: "ROOMS, BREAK FAST" it seems. Must be a very fragile hotel.

I miss world. Would make an interesting epitaph for a beauty queen.
Sachin waves the chequered flag to formalise Sebastian's win. If thats not going to raise the brand value of my name, nothing will! #F1 #Win
A guy who does not know how to adress others is a no Noun sense person #PunIntended

My toes are Leg-end-ary
A loot can happen over coffee #CafeCoffeDay
Should I change the AAA batteries to AA on my camera bought from US too? #S&P #Downgrade While playing #angrybirds you can kill two stones with one bird.
The argument that empty vessels make more noise does not hold water.

Nita Ambani should have bought Bangalore franchise in #IPL and named it Bangalo-Re-Lions. No?
An Amazon of books. A cache of currency notes. A clutch of Gears. A host of Servers. #CollectiveNouns


Google has had so much good fortune that even a button on its webpage says its feeling lucky
There. I've broken the Stereo-tape. Oh! You said break the Stereotype?!
A possessive lover is like an assorted box of chocolates. If you love 'Her-she Kisses'; else Mars and then Snickers.
Bow Wow - What you say when you see someone bend and touch his toes.

All people in the Sahara Desert are Well wishers
"Give blood. Save lives" : Moss Kitto #PunIntended
A great Business idea should not Break even in 5 years of technical advancement #Irony

Has anyone dubbed the Amar Singh tapes 'Call Gate' yet? #AmarSingh
I think people working in HCL have to learn BASIC to remain 'neutral'.
I don't understand why the Emperor of Maldives won a Pulitzer! #PulitzerPrize2011

Heading on the North-South direction. Not getting anywhere.
Rains in Bangalore. My Wallet is All-wet
I dont know about Amar Singh's educational qualifications But he seems to be pretty good at CD Doctoring and Social Engineering

Mom says the lemonade she has made is awesome. I will take it with a pinch of salt.
Photo: Author shaking hands with batsmen in full attire. Caption: Bookmaker hand in glove with cricketers. #Samething
Front page news on turtles; No wonder - the news paper is named 'Man or Ama' #MalluPun


If you can handle more of these; my twitter handle is: @sachinsebastian

Going Going, (not) Gone (yet)

One day I’m sitting under this Oak tree when an Apple lands on my head, and voila! - I’m enlightened! – About Fitness. I know you are not buying that story (Neither did my friends! – I think its because you guys know that I don’t get to sit under Oak trees these days). But Anyways - I proclaim to the World “I am going to the gym at the crack of dawn starting today” (DON’T LAUGH YET – and I’m NOT sorry about the CAPS!).

A piece of Info here – I’m not a person who is out of shape or anything. In fact, I’m slim; and Fit as a Guitar (To say Fiddle may be being a bit too pushy).

As can be expected, the response from the populace, to the Proclamation was mixed. It ranged from Flabbergasted looks to Hearty Laughs to Shake of the heads to Words of Encouragement to Giggles to Persuasion to Fainting of people to well... No response at all!

One of my colleagues whom I share the Cubicle space with, laughed like she had just heard the Joke of the year. Mom was not amused either – she Knew that I wouldn’t make it. After all, she has seen my 24 years of “Writing CAT”, “deciding to get up early every day”, “starting a new exercise stint” and what not.

“So that’s what They think about your ‘Steely resolve’… Sheesh… Lets Show them!!!” Neo (That’s My Super-human alter ego – incase you didn’t know) told me. When Neo sez somethin you don’t stand around pondering – You Obey!

D-day 6:30 am (MidNight – according to my Biological clock) – My mobile goes of - generating weird noises… I search with my eyes closed, to find the source of the noise. In retrospect I realize that it was just my good fortune that I didn’t get the Mobile in my hand – or else I would have added to the already worsening situation of electronic waste, and caused further expansion of the Ozone hole! No? Wrecked Mobile phones don’t cause expansion of the Ozone hole? Oh That’s a relief! (I also made a mental note that I should be keeping my mobile out of reach if and when I set alarm on it.)

Postponed D-day 1: One of my roomies is having a Technical Certification exam – I can’t be going to Gym today!

Postponed D-day 2: If I ever get my hands on the person who concocted the concept of Alarm!

Postponed D-day 3: I get up, rub my complaining eyes open, and sit on the bed – but mysteriously I’m grabbed by my neck and pulled back into the bed - by my bedspread! (Maybe the consequence of reading too much Calvin.)

Postponed D-day 4: I suddenly remember, even as I sleep-walk to get the Mobile to shut-up, that today is Friday – So I go back to a nice slumber. (Now don’t ask me whats Friday got to do with going to Gym! You get the drift, don’t you?)

Postponed D-day 5: By now my ears have evolved and adapted - in a matter of days - to interpret the Alarm as Lullaby. I sleep peacefully through the blaring alarm.

Some Tenacity I have!!

Okay, so lets stop it at that - its getting late, and I have to wake up early tomorrow and go to the Gym you know…

Men are from Mercury, Women are from Pluto?

Wanna know which planet you are from?

How many runs did Yuvraj score in yesterday’s match?
a.) Who is Yuvraj??
b.) India played a match yesterday? Really? Against whom?
c.) Somewhere around 40.
d.) 43. And was out lbw to Hoggard! That was a real dubious decision by Billy Bowden. The ball clearly pitched outside the leg stump blah blah blah....

Algorithm to select your clothes?
a.) Go to Pantaloons check out the collection for a min. of 2 hours, go to Westside another 1 hour, Levis 1 hour and a dozen other shops before you come out victorious. Also decide on spending the next day, shopping for lipstick, sandals and handbag that matches your new clothes.
b.) Take 5 of your friends with you, carefully evaluate their opinion about each of the 10 pieces you try out before deciding
c.) Checkout a dozen, tryout 2 and choose 1
d.) Goto LEE take 5 pairs in 5 minutes, so you don’t have to go shopping for a while

What glues you to the idiot box?

a.) Latest Bollywood songs
b.) All types of songs + sitcoms + soap operas
c.) Sports + English flicks
d.) SPROTS

Mom: "Bring me the red sari from my cupboard dear"
a.) Go to the cupboard look through all her saris, comment on the good ones, ask where she got the green one form, advise her on blue for the party
b.) Goto the cupboard admire her collection and bring her the red Sari
c.) Go to the cupboard and shout “I don’t see any sari here let alone a red one”
d.) “You have a cupboard in this house?”

What is Mauve?
a.) A pale grayed pink-lilac color, I even have a top of that color I bought from Versace
b.) A color. I guess.
c.) Never heard of it
d.) Isn’t he the Steelers’ Full back

Get dressed for your Mary aunty's cousin’s marriage reception
a.) I am going shopping for dress
b.) I can’t be wearing this one. I had put on the same dress for George uncle's brother-in-law's nephew’s marriage!
c.) Where is my favorite pair of jeans
d.) Do I really have to come?

If You got : You are from :

Mostly As => Pluto
Mostly Bs => Venus
Mostly Cs => Mars
Mostly Ds => Mercury

Mostly Es => Time for an eye check-up!

All Martians, Venuscions, Mercurians and Plutonians please maintain calm; please refrain from using your freeze ray/sting ray/death ray guns on me.

To CAT or not to CAT

The two year itch syndrome seemed to have infected me. Wait; Its been just one year since I landed the job of software engineer in my dream company. But I tend to catch all infections at the earliest.
So I declared to Mom over the phone “I am going to write CAT this year.” “Good. Its just 2 months away but give it your best shot” Mom said. “I will.”

Mom had been trying to stuff my brain with enough reasons to get an MBA. Everyother person now was a software engineer. After being in Banglore for some time I know thats a fact. You pick up any self-respecting stone that obeys Newton’s laws, and hurl it; it will either hit a software engineer or you will be running for dear life from a street dog.

Next day, I astonished my roommates by getting up at the unholy hour of 7 am and sitting down with CAT material. From the next day, I astonished myself by not even caring to look at the CAT material.
I was in the exam hall. All my hopes went down the drain, not when I saw the question paper but when I saw the examination hall; Not a single good looking girl!
I decided to take revenge, I’m going to attempt all questions; negative marks or not.

20 answers and 100 guesses later, I came out beaming. 2 months later I find out that I have not done as badly as I hoped to. Maybe I will use guessing as my secret weapon next time around.

Its that time of the year again whence I once again have to decide whether to CAT or take the risk of being hit by a stone hurled by some person who read my blog and actually decided to experiment. As I expected, Mom gave me a sermon this time too when I went home. Dad shared the same sentiments. Dad is an “Am I right or am I right” guy. You don’t say No for an answer to Dad, and I learned that the hard way.

If you can’t beat ‘em; try to beat ‘em, and if you can’t even try to beat ‘em, join ‘em. So maybe I’ll try to bell the CAT this time, or atleast decide to buy a bell.
Once I have decided to decide that, things are easy - well I just have to find out if the cockroaches have left out any part of the CAT material (I am sure they would have left out atleast the Data Interpretation books - even the cocroaches wouldn't want to chew into that!), then I have to fight with my friends to get the T.V.Carton-turned-into-ironing-table to be T.V.Carton-turned-into-studytable for a while, then I have to actually decide to dedicate ONE whole hour each day to studies, and then... no lets stop it at that.

So dear roomies, don’t get surprised if you get to see me getting up at 7 am for more than one day. But I sincerely hope this time round there would be more pretty girls in the exam hall.

NEO and NEETHA

NEO AND NEETHA

It was 10 am; he was back home from college already. “KSU or SFI?” it was his Mom. (For those who are not familiar with student politics in Kerala; KSU and SFI are THE strongest students’ political organizations.) She didn't need an explanation from his part, that there was a strike in his college that day too. It was the last year of his engineering, and the number of strikes had hit an all time high that August. Though KSU and SFI had widely conflicting principles and political outlooks, it appeared that they agreed upon a common slogan; that being: An eye for an eye; and a strike for a strike.

In his college it was an unwritten rule of sorts among the students, that they would study anything ONLY in the last week before the exams. And every student from the class topper to the once-in-a-while-visitor to class, earnestly adhered to that rule. So having nothing else to do that day, he plunged himself into the internet. He just had to check if some stray forwards had made its way to his severely starving mailbox. He was not at all into chatting, he almost detested it. He could not handle all those bad words and the mindless flirting going on in the chat rooms. But that day, he decided to sign in to one of the chat rooms.

To this day, he doesn’t know what made neo_matrix100 to say hi to a certain Neetha_a in that chat room. (Don’t let his chat name neo_matrix100 mislead you, he was not flashy or audacious like Neo of Matrix, on the contrary, he had a very reserved and quiet persona.) One hour later, after what was by far the longest chat he had ever had, Neo and Neetha said bye and went their ways into the infinite realms of the cyberworld. But that one hour was magical.

The next week when the strike chapter repeated itself again; he found himself staring at the same chat room, hoping to find Neetha_a. Ten minutes of ‘smileys, asl s, LOL s, and many more chat-acronyms that he couldn’t quite figure out, filled the screen; with not a single contribution from his side. Then, to his delight, he saw the message “Neetha_a has entered our room” flash across the screen. Neetha said she was hoping to find him in the room for the past two days. This time, neither of them wanted to lose touch, so they exchanged their email IDs.

Everyday Neo had a mail from Neetha and Neetha had a reply from Neo. Neo learned Neetha’s real name was Anu and that she was doing B.Sc Zoology. Neetha learned Neo was called Sachin outside the cyberworld. Neo and Neetha talked tirelessly about everything under the sun. They discussed the movies they saw, the songs that they liked, their college, their families, trips to their native place and so on. And if they were ever to run out of subjects, Neo would talk about Java programming and Neetha would talk about her Microbiology classes; fully aware that the other wouldn’t understand a thing.

Onam, Neetha’s birthday (September), Neo’s birthday (October), Christmas: all were celebrated online. Neo sent a mail with Neetha’s favorite song attached for her birthday, and Neetha sent a lovely e-cake for Neo’s birthday.

Suddenly his life seemed more meaningful; there was something to smile at, something to look forward to everyday. The world just seemed so much more beautiful. What was this heavenly feeling that was enveloping him about a girl he has never seen and whose voice he has never heard? Was it love? He wasn’t sure.

Come January, and both Neo and Neetha were nervous about seeing each other for the first time. The occasion? Neetha had completed her BSc course and what’s more, she had topped her class in the final exams. Neo suggested a treat and Neetha suggested the place. The plan was in its final stages when he had to go to his native place due to an emergency.

When he came back, he had enough mails to make his mailbox look healthy and happy like never before. They continued their volley of mails until, one day in January! Neetha's mail that day was unusually small and he could sense a taste of sadness in it. Neo was concerned and mailed her back. But no more mails form Neetha ever made its way to Neo's mailbox. Neo's mailbox was again plunged into starvation and Neo into desperation.

And then one day, Neo put in his last words for Neetha as an offline message. “I’ll always cherish our friendship. Have a happy and wonderful married life.” He had a lump in his throat when he finished typing.



Epilogue

One whole year and a couple of months have passed. And last week, Neo got a mail from Neetha. The essence of the mail is that Anu is happily married to a software engineer, and she says my Java preachings have come in handy for her at times. You know what? I felt really happy for her. Happy for those beautiful days; happy for her contented and joyful marriage.

A voice deep within me whispered: Eventhough Neo and Neetha were a great couple in the cyberworld, Sachin and Anu were not meant to be so in the real one.


All endings are happy. If its not, then it is not the end. – Anonymous